Thoughts And Feelings

     Sitting here in the daylight, I wonder why everything seems dark to me. Why does my head feel so clouded? Why does my expression show sorrow instead of happiness? Why did my grandma have to die that way? Why can I see color, but not see the meaning it gives? Why is the sky blue. but seem gray? Why am I still alive? There’s no point in me asking these questions when they can’t be answered, but I still wonder.

     The green leaves of the trees, the steel-gray water, the bright colors of the flowers, the brown dirt; they all have a meaning: They help to promote life. Everything in this world, changes lives, in both good and bad ways.

     “For every action, there is an equal, yet opposite reaction.” I think about this as I watch a barge travelling down the river. While the propellers are moving the water away from the direction they’re moving, the boat moves forward in the opposite direction.

     Everything has a meaning, and some meanings, we as humans cannot understand. My meaning I won’t know until later in my life, and that’s perfectly fine with me. I have a right to be here. I’ve finally had that preached to me enough now that I believe it. That doesn’t mean I want to be here, but I’ll stay here as long as God wants me to be here. Yeah, I’m looking forward to acknowledging new challenges, as long as they’re worth fighting. (Sigh) Even when I feel like giving up now, I keep fighting. I guess I can be competitive in other things besides just sports. lol. I don’t feel that great right now, health-wise, so I’ll continue this later.

The Contest

     I stare ahead at the face of my director, noticing no one else, but her. She sits down behind the piano, and I stare eagerly, waiting for my cue to begin singing. The lights go down, so that the only light in the room is directed at the stage. All is quiet. Mrs. Wills (director) begins to play the first of four measures in the first song to be performed “Kyrie.” And then the choir begins to sing, strong on the first two words “Kryie eleison,” then our voices gradually become softer, and then strong again when we reach “Grant us mercy Lord.”

     I still saw no one else, but my director, and the empty seats behind her in the audience. I’d never felt so proud in my life… It felt so good to be there, to know that we all worked hard, and deserved to be there. It was great.

      After the last song “Praise His Holy Name,” all choir members bowed with Mrs. Wills, and then row by row, left the stage. We were sent to the cafeteria to wait for news of our rating. Some people bought snacks and drinks, while some left with family members. About ten minutes later, Mrs. Wills entered the cafeteria, holding the blue comment sheet.

     “I’m so proud of all of you… Your hard work and devotion earned you a rating of 1 from all three judges.”

     Clapping, cheering, smiling, laughter… Pride. A rating of a “1″ is the best rating to be received. It is earned by making very few, or no mistakes. We did it!

What Am I To Do?

A wave of anger came over me last night; a wave of hate. I felt so hopeless and so miserable that I had to leave my little cousin alone by himself. I was in the shower, for…I don’t know how long, probably just under an hour. I was thinking, and when I finally stopped thinking, it was while I was cutting. I only made one mark, because I was afraid to do more than that.  I know, my friend, will be so disappointed in me, but for some reason, I just had no control.

I tried not to think about the pain I was in, and I thought a nice, hot shower would help me relax, but it only made matters worse. Because there, on the shelf, was the razor. The blade of sadness, and the thief of life. I pressed the blade, hard, to the bottom of my wrist. This time, I wasn’t doing it for the pain…I was doing it to die. But obviously, all plan of that failed, because I am breathing and writing.

I watched the blood drip from my arm like rain, and mix with the water below. WHY AM I SO CARELESS? WHY AM I SO STUPID? I only hated myself more when I got out of the shower, because I knew I would confess to Mai. And I’m going to, if she doesn’t read this before hand. The pain of the cut was/is nothing compared to the pain in my heart. I went straight to bed after that, leaving Corey to fend for himself. I can be so rude sometimes! But I knew he’d be okay. I didn’t want to be around anyone, let alone someone so young who looks up to me.

Despite my “outbursts,” he still looks up to me. Still wants to be like me. That makes me proud, but it can’t erase the pain.   No…No..the pain of my loss will always be there, and the pain of broken promises, as well. The guilt; the loneliness; the fear… All will remain inside until I can learn to live with it. My false self; I hate her. I’m told I need to show her love, but what love can I have for her when she hurts me so? The things that ail me will ail me for some time. I don’t know how I know that, could be just a guess.

I am sick…that is pure truth. What kind of person, with a family who loves her very much, would want to take her life? She believes she has nothing to live for, because she feels alone now that her grandma is dead. She was the one person I knew better than I knew anyone else. She was more like my mom than my grandma. After all, I spent more time with her than with my own mother. I believe this is why my mom and I have so many ”issues” with one another. We don’t really know each other as much as we think we do. We love each other a lot, but don’t really know each other. And I feel like I cannot trust my parents…

The reason being could be one of many. But most likely, probably, because they lied to me about my grandma’s condition, until the day they were told she was going to die. I was so angry at them, but now they’re honest with me about what is going on in the lawsuit, but how honest, I can never be sure. I feel like I can’t talk to them about my problems, because half of the time, they’re watching television, and I’m not aloud to talk during a show. Even now, despite the fact that they know about my being depressed, I still can’t talk while they’re watching T.V. You would think my life is more important than some soap opera, that isn’t real.

I’ve officially given up all hope of ever feeling free and happy again. I have friends who believe in me, but that doesn’t make me believe in myself. “Live and learn, do or die.” I’m living and learning, but not doing anything to promote my well being. Maybe I need to concentrate harder? Stop being so negative? Stop hating my enemies and start loving them like the Bible says? (Sigh).  Life is so hard!!!! Gotta keep fighting no matter what…

Secret Desire

Walking alone down an ever-winding path,

The sad emotions I seem to have…

Flare up inside my bright blue eyes,

And then, oh then, I start to cry.

I think of life and how it’s gone wrong,

And decide that this is where I do not belong.

So, I make another cut on my wrist,

Wondering why it has come to this.

But no answer is there that I can find,

As I think of leaving this world behind.

This time, I press the razor to my skin, harder than before,

Not wanting to live anymore.

When the blood starts to pour,

I slowly make my way to the floor.

My vision blurs and my head starts to pound,

I hear voices all around.

‘This is it, I’m dead,’ I thought,

But this alone was surely not.

I awoke in a hospital bed,

Wondering why I wasn’t dead.

The floor had been covered in blood before I closed my eyes,

‘So, why am I still alive?’

Had I pressed too lightly,

And not cut all that deeply?

Had I missed the vein,

And ignored the pain?

Was I afraid,

Of being saved?

But these questions, answered, could never be,

The reason why I was still living in misery.

Now, I’m not allowed to give up or give in,

And a new life, I am forced to live.

Confessions In Blood

I hate life. That’s no secret. The reasons why aren’t always easy to explain, or to face. Just like our fears… They aren’t always easy to face, and sometimes, we end up deeply hurt. My story and my prophecy both tie in together. My prophecy is: “Pain may help you feel better for a while and forget your troubles, but when they return, they come back double.” And I mean that literally. When I was caught for cutting, I had more problems then I had before I started to cut.

It seems to me, that when I was cutting, I was making confessions. Confessions that I couldn’t make to anyone else at the time. About how I was really feeling. So I let myself drown in guilt and misery. I confided in two people at the time. Mary and her sis/cousin Diane. They gave me lots of advice, and Diane being a psychiatrist, helped out a lot too. Sometimes, I’ll admit, I couldn’t completely confide in them. Sometimes, I said I was fine, when I wasn’t, and had cut that very day.

Pain gave me adrenaline, and made me forget my problems for a while. Until after I backed away from the sink and was done for the night. But I thought about nothing else, but the pain. It was all that existed…not even time seemed to be a factor in that part of my day. There seemed to be no time at all, just me and that moment. I lived for those moments, and I believe that those moments, combined with the help of Diane and Mary, are the only things that kept me alive. Like I’ve said before, Mary’s saved me from myself so many times before. She convinced me my life is worth living and I CAN survive. She said it was my choice, but knew I would make the right decision in the end.

I have the strength, and the power, to force myself to keep going. To put one foot in front of the other and walk the path I was born to follow, no matter how off course I stray. I will survive, and the confessions, will be fewer. No matter how many times I fall, I’ll always get back up. No matter how many times I fail, I’ll try again until I succeed. I can’t make promises and keep them right now, but that is something I believe in.

Life?

What is life? An adventure we’re forced to live, despite how much we hate it?

They say the decisions we make today, will shape the future of tomorrow. True or false? Well, let’s look at it this way: A man is walking down the street, when he is suddenly shot in the back from behind. Now, his family will have to live with his sudden death for the rest of their lives…and the man who shot him, will have to live with the consequence of being imprisoned, for the rest of his life.

So that means if I were to “suddenly” kill myself, my family would have to live with the after effects for the rest of their lives… and that includes my new sister, as well. She’s helped me so much…I can’t give up now. Can I? And betray her? Forget everything she’s done for me and just quit living? Is that even possible? To forget someone who loves you so much and doesn’t want you hurt? Am I that heartless? Would I have the guts? Am I that stupid? To put her through something so electrifying and self centered on my part?

I can’t imagine how guilty she’d feel if I did, and I don’t want to think about it. It pains me to think of hurting her, and I don’t want to… but if I ever let her down, she’d be hurt…so I’ve got to stay strong, try to be strong. I can hear her now: “No! Don’t try, just do it!!!!” If you try, you can fail…If you just do it and put your fears behind you, there won’t be time to fail. You’d be to focused on accomplishing your mission to even think about failure…let alone to actually fail. LIVE! LIVE!! LIVE!!!

What is so important about living when you have nothing to enjoy? To suffer more? Or to wait it out and see if you are payed in full with happiness some five, ten years down the road? The road may have rocks and boulders, cracks and ditches, but soon it’ll be paved and as smooth as silk. For some, it may happen sooner, and for others, later. But you have people who depend on you, and even if you feel like you can’t depend on them and they don’t need you, they do. More than you could ever imagine.

Mai needs me and I need her. Fair trade. She helps me, I help her. That’s what friendship is all about. Being there for one another and accepting each other as you are. Don’t try to change your friend’s attitude or personality, and don’t let them try to change you…We are who we are, we need to accept it and move on. They say “some people change”. That may be true, but they change because they want to, not because they’re forced to. What doesn’t destroy me will only make me stronger?

I believe there is a greater force out there, one no one can imagine its true power. The only way something can destroy us is if we let it. If we don’t fight back, we’re going to die. That’s obvious. But if we do fight back, even if it seems impossible to win, there’s hope. As long as we’re living, there’s hope. Or, at least I hope so.

In conclusion: Life is a gift, and not one to be wasted. Live to your full potential and fight back with all you’ve got! Don’t give in! Don’t give up! Be brave and strong!

Helpless

The bruise on her arm

The cut on her wrist

What did she do?

To deserve all this

 

So young and helpless

Only eight years of age

Her father throws her against a wall

In an angry rage

 

The little girl cries for her mommy

But her mother is not there

She gets up

And looks everywhere

 

Her dad calls her name

She hides under the bed

He says he won’t rest

Until she is dead

 

Her mom comes home

Walks up the stairs

The little girl runs out

And buries her face in her hair

 

Her dad runs up the stairs

Grabs her mom by the arm

Says he loves her

And means no harm

 

The little girl runs off

Her dad starts to go after her

Only to end up

Fighting with her mother

 

Her mother fought hard

To protect her little girl

But her life was ended

With one strong hurl

 

The little girl runs down the stairs

And kneels at her mother’s side

She didn’t run from her dad

And it was there she died

 

Songs And Poetry

A dear friend of mine told me I should blog some of the things I’ve written and I really, really value her opinions.

 This first poem, I think, describes her really well.

You 

You’ve given me my life back
You made me smile when I was down
You forced me to keep fighting
When for thoughts of death I was bound

The gentle rain on my window
Muffling my silent cries
You were always here
Hidden deep behind my eyes

I was too blind to see it
How much you really cared
Until one day I realized
That I was drowning in a lake of despair

You’ve given me the world
To hold in the palm of my hands
Because all that really matters
Is your my biggest fan

You’ve given me strength
When I was feeling weak
You helped to calm me down
When my temper was reaching it’s peak

I fought back against you
And proved that you were right
There’s a lot of life inside me
And I can’t give up the fight

Why you were sent to me
Here’s a little clue
I think God knew you wouldn’t give up
And that you would pull me through

I’m not going to hurt myself
I know what could happen if I do
And I’m not ready
To say goodbye to you

My heart doesn’t ache as much
You’ve shown me that life isn’t always bad
You saved me from myself
And from the thoughts that I once had

I’ve never ignored a word
That’s come from you to me
You’ve made me realize
This is where I’m meant to be

There’s nothing I wouldn’t give now
To erase all of your pain
You came into my life
And now I’ll never be the same

You’ve changed me for the better
I’ll always be here for you
I just want you to know that
It was your love that pulled me through

 

This song, I also wrote about and for her. I think, because of the inspiration she’s given me, these first two are my best work yet.

 

Looking In Your Eyes

 

Loving and caring

Honest and true

These are the things that I see in you

Brave and noble

Never taking life for granted

These are a few things that make me love you

 

Looking in your eyes

I can see who you are

Looking in your eyes

I can see what you can’t see

Trust me

Believe me

While I’m looking in your eyes

 

The person I see inside you

Isn’t ready to give up the fight

She’s strong as a lion

Both day and night

There is no limit to her courage

Nor her values

 

Looking in your eyes

I can see who you are

Looking in your eyes

I can see what you can’t see

Trust me

Believe me

While I’m looking in your eyes

 

Put one foot in front of the other

And keep fighting back

It might not be what you want to do

But a lot of people are counting on you

 

Looking in your eyes

I can see who you are

Looking in your eyes

I can see what you can’t see

Trust me

Believe me

While I’m looking in your eyes

 

While I’m looking in your eyes

I can see who you really are

While I’m looking in your eyes

I can see what you’re afraid to see

Trust me believe me

I’m looking in your eyes

 

Trust me

Believe me

 

While I’m looking in your eyes

 

The Story « Story Of My life

      My grandma, Rosalie Aileen Bush, was a remarkable person. She was always kind and pleasant to everyone… If she didn’t have something nice to say, she didn’t say anything at all. She helped others when others needed help. She donated money every month to a charity for veterans. You could take a glance at her when she walked by you and think, “She looks like a nice person”. She was… My grandma was killed on May 9, 2006.

      She went in for heart surgery at a local hospital on that given date and afterwards was in a coma for 6 weeks. Every hour when the doctor called out to the waiting room, he said: “She’s doing great. Everything is fine”, or something like that. My mom was always the one to answer the phone and talk to him. After the procedure, Dr. Swanson came out to the waiting room to talk to my parents, and my 2 great uncles and aunts. I was at school during all of this. Dr. Swanson began talking to them saying, “The procedure was a success, but there was a drop in blood pressure.” He didn’t expect my mom to ask, “How low?” He hesitated before speaking and his voice was low. “In the fifties.” “How long?” my mom asked. “About a half hour,” was his reply. He said my grandma had been moved to a room over in I.C.U. and if they wanted, they could go over. After a few hours, she didn’t wake up. Dr. Swanson said, “With her age and condition she could be a little late waking up.” Late? Yeah I’d say late. She never did wake up.

      I visited her everyday, and, the I missed the last week and a half of school. I did attend my 6th grade graduation though. Anyway, I was, and I am, seriously depressed over this. My mom has found out things that contributed to making my depression worse over the past year. Now we’re in the middle of a lawsuit, wrongful death. We found out that her blood pressure had actually dropped down into the twenties for about an hour and a half, instead of just a half hour in the fifties. My parents contribute most, if not all, of their time to work and the lawsuit. Where does that leave me?